The Misfortune of Kol Mikaelson
by Myley
Summary: Because Original vampires are like any other humans, for better but mostly for worse.
1. A very bad day for Kol Mikaleson

**I just want to warn you that this one shot is full of silliness! **

**WARNING: serious risk of imbecilization, AU, vaguely slashy in the end maybe, OOCness if you think Kol doesn't fear anything at all - But I tend to believe everybody has a weakness, even the fiercest.**

**Please don't kill me!**

* * *

The misfortune of Kol Mikaelson

The day had started beautifully at the Mikaelson house. Spring had arrived along with the first sunny days.

It was almost noon. Niklaus and Rebekah were enjoying the nice weather in the garden; Rebekah was chilling on a chair, sipping on a Tequila Sunrise while Niklaus painted. Elijah preferred the quietness of the library; he had never been an outdoor type anyway. Kol was still resting from his exhausting party of the previous night, as usual.

Everybody was very confident that today was going to be a very good day indeed.

That was until a terrible scream pierced through the bucolic serenity of the house and demolished the tranquility of its inhabitants. Rebekah choked on her cocktail and began to violently cough. Niklau's hand brutally twitched, making the brush it was holding trace an ugly green line across Caroline's pretty face, ruining it in an instant. He growled, ready to turn to shreds the impudent who had caused the premature death of his last masterpiece. Rebekah struggled to try and calm her poor mistreated muscles. Secluded in the library, Elijah's features momentarily froze, his brows raised in bewilderment.

The sound came from Kol's room and was soon followed by an anthology of extremely creative swear words heaped in the same melodious tone.

Elijah sighed dramatically and let go of his book on the social habits of rural Medieval China in the twelfth century. No, today would still not be his long awaited day off. He left the comfort of his chair and made his way to the hall, wary.

Kol's room door burst open on Kol screaming like a madman, dancing on a foot then the other.

Elijah's eyes widened. What the Hell?

"Kol?" he asked, concerned, "Are you okay?"

Kol stopped screaming and looked at his brother as if he had grown a second head, "No! No! No!" He started mumbling again, panic-stricken.

"What's wrong?" his older brother tried soothingly. Kol could be such a child sometimes...

"They're everywhere! Those little bitches!" he yelled, eyes shinning with evident terror, "My bedroom is invaded! My pretty little bedroom!"

"What was that for!" Niklaus intervened, full of fury, his brush still in hand.

Rebekah appeared behind him, short of breath, her face oddly flushed.

"ANTS!" Kol exploded, hyperventilating, "FUCKING ANTS ALL OVER MY ROOM!"

The three siblings froze. Elijah wanted to bang his head against a wall. Today was going to be appalling. Why, oh why, did have Kol to wake up?! They were doing perfectly fine with him knocked out!

Kol disappeared in his room and began to curse again. An angry thumping noise could be heard. Niklaus, Rebekah and Elijah exchanged worried looks and climbed the stairs to check on their frantic brother.

It was a well known fact that in spite of his ruthless and sadistic nature, Kol loathed insects, profoundly so. It was rather ironic, when you came to think of it.

They found him knelt on the floor, a very fancy shoe in hand, crushing hysterically every little black bug which entered his visual field, all the while calling them names.

Elijah felt a great fatigue waving over him. They were quite numerous, he reckoned. They were running on their tiny feet all over Kol's wooden floor in a desperate attempt at escaping their brutal fate. Kol's movement were harsh, very much so. He was using both vampire strength and speed, making the walls tremble and the floor crack.

"Kol," Niklaus warned, "Calm yourself, you're gonna break through the floorboard!"

"Don't fucking care!" Kol responded, punctuating each word with a blow, "You could help me instead of staring at me like idiots! Can't you see that I'm being INVADED!"

Niklaus sighed and left.

"How many times did I tell you not to let any food rot in your room?" Elijah admonished, raising an accusing finger on a nearby corpse.

"But I was going to bury that boy!" Kol whined, rushing to stomp on an ant that was trying to flee into the hall.

"Be careful Kol! Don't let them leave your room, I don't want any of those nasty things in mine!" Rebekah squeaked.

Elijah facepalmed.

"What do you think I'm trying to do, Rebekah!" Kol snapped, crushing another one with the shoe.

Niklaus came back with a bottle of chemical repellent in hand, "Use that, you silly!" he advised.

Kol took it in haste and looked at it, a bit confused; this kind of product did not exist back in his time.

Elijah looked at Niklaus, amazed, "You have bug repellent?!"

Niklaus shrugged, "With Kol back in the picture I thought it'd come in handy!"

Elijah nodded. Fair enough.

They turned their attention back on Kol whom had proceeded to flood the room with toxicity, keeping his finger on the pressure button while making big circles with it all around him. The air became soon stifling. The three others began to cough and agitate their hands in front of them in at attempt at shielding themselves from the poisonous fumes.

"Oh! Kol! Aim at the ants! Not us!" Rebekah complained while stomping on some ants that crossed her path.

"Enough! It's not a spray perfume!" Niklaus snapped, snatching the bottle away from Kol's hand.

The younger vampire looked ready to either throw a tantrum or burst in tears... His siblings could not tell yet.

"But they're not dead yet!" he whined looking at his bottle of repellent with puppy eyes.

The tears, it was then... Elijah sighed. What a terrible, terrible day. He proceeded to rub his temples.

"It needs time Kol for the product to work!" he softly said.

"I don't have time! I want them dead NOW!" the youngster exploded, taking his shoe again – which was Rebekah's Elijah realized – to resume smashing the survivors which were running in all directions, in a complete panic.

This was going to take a lot of time.

The three siblings left their brother waging his personal crusade, all the while whining, "Those little sluts! How dare they? No one invited them! My poor pretty little bedroom!" He squeaked and a loud thump resonated through the walls, "Oh! The cunt! Not my shirt, you bitch!" Another thump.

From his library, Elijah sighed and took a well deserved sip of his double whiskey. Fortunately it was ants, not spiders. The situation would have been altogether different with spiders involved. Rebekah turned the stereo on to cover Kol's outburst. Niklaus barricaded himself in the garden with a new set of brushes and canvas.

Two hours later, Kol sat on the edge of his bed, repellent in one hand, shoe in the other, ready to strike if need be. He also had the hoover nearby to clean the dark corpses from his immaculate floor.

"Kol," Elijah tried again, "Your breakfast!" he agitated the blood bag in front of his brother's wide eyes.

"Not hungry!" Kol replied distractingly.

He was moving his head from side to side, checking every inch of his room, anxious to spot another cheeky creature.

"Kol, they're gone. The product killed them!"

"I found one in my bed," Kol said, terror dripping from his voice, "In my bed, Elijah! With me! Naked!"

Elijah posed and looked at his brother calmly, "Kol, ants do not wear clothes!" How many times could a vampire be daggered without risking permanent brain damage?

"I was not talking about the ant, you idiot! I know full well ants don't wear clothes – except in that terrible movie I watched with Jeremy, Antz..." he shivered at the memory.

Elijah swallowed, seriously considering to call Meredith Fell for a much needed professional diagnosis.

Kol continued, "Whatever. I happen to have slept naked with a frigging ant on my pillow! God knows what it did to me while I was asleep!" he shivered again.

That was it! Elijah would call the human doctor so that she could perform the necessary medical exams, a MRI, a scanner, a blood work, an autopsy, anything that could explain his brother's paranoid delirium.

"Kol, it's a ant, not a grizzly!" he pinched his nose, "Besides you're a vampire, Kol! They can't hurt you!"

"They're tiny vicious, perverted bitches! They're disgusting!" he began to hyperventilate again.

Elijah jumped as Kol smashed Rebekah's Louboutin shoe on another one near the window, "Die bitch!" he snickered hysterically, smashing the shoe again, just in case. He then proceeded to apply a generous dose of repellent on the area – and cough. After that, he hoovered the remains of the deceased insect.

Satisfied, he sat back, in position, and waited for the next one to show up.

Elijah had never more wished to go isolate himself on a deserted island in the middle on the ocean than in this moment – or whenever Niklaus would kill someone just _because_.

It lasted all day long.

Eventually, at nightfall, Kol appeared in the living room, a suitcase in hand.

"Where are you going?" Rebekah asked with a frown.

"I refuse to sleep in a house invaded by monsters! I'm gonna sleep over at Jeremy's!"

"And Jeremy's going to be darn happy about it!" she mumbled.

Kol would not listen to her. He dashed out the cursed place and rushed to the Gilbert's.

When he explained to the human teenager why he had showed up at his doorstep at such a late hour, he could have sworn the boy did his best to prevent himself from bursting out of laughter.

"But, you're an Original vampire!" the boy simply said.

Kol growled, "That doesn't make me vermin friendly!" he pushed past the boy and stepped into the living room, ignoring a very wary Matt – the blond apparently still held a grudge against him for the hand episode, which was very childish as far as Kol was concerned.

"You're not even friendly, to begin with..." Jeremy mumbled.

Kol sighed, content. He was going to sleep wonderfully. He turned on his side and yawned. Jeremy was already sound asleep, as was Matt.

The house was quiet. Everybody was sleeping peacefully.

That was until a horrified scream startled the two human boys out of their slumber.

"What?" Jeremy mumbled sleepily and switched on his bedside lamp.

Kol had jumped out of the bed and was currently checking a spot on his suitcase. He opened it. A colony of black tiny creatures flooded out.

Kol felt dread engulfing him. His eyes widened.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

* * *

**I hope you're still alive! I happen to have woken up with an ant invasion this morning in my bedroom. I just hate those! And I'm glad to see that Kol share my phobia!**


	2. How to win your love back

**Hey guys! I have finally decided to write more to this story! I felt inspired and well, I want to keep up with it! However, this will not be a coherent story but rather some random humorous drabbles about Kol and his antics!**

**WARNING: extreme lack of seriousness, mild slash**

* * *

How to win your love back, by Kol Mikaelson

When Niklaus had assigned Kol the mission to stalk the Gilbert boy, he was far from imagining that his brother could ever develop some sort of affection for the kid. No one could, and no one did.

Therefore, when Kol began to show signs of depression, as in sulking in his room all day, Elijah thought his little brother was expressing his boredom in a new and very irritating way; God only knew how easily bored Kol could get. Yet, the youngest son of Mikeal soon stopped feeding and began to act quite apathetically. Elijah grew worried.

And then, the truth was revealed: Kol Mikaelson, the homicidal psychopathic Original vampire was in love with a human teenager. The situation was as crazy as unlikely.

But the situation _was_.

And therefore, the homicidal psychopathic Original vampire joined the club of the Whinny One-sided Lovers recently founded by Niklaus, in a surge of pathetic despair. Both brothers would gather and try to find ways to win their beloved, in the most creative ways possible; Elijah suspected they were having some sort of a weird competition.

The house was empty. Elijah enjoyed the calm and silence in complete peace, for once. He strained his ears to listen and blissfully sighed when only silence came as a reply. This was for him the equivalent of Heaven; a place deprived of screams and quarrels and sounds of bottles being crashed on one's head. Elijah smiled to himself and took a sip of whiskey while turning a page from his book on the evolution of the different models of Peruvian flutes from the Incas onwards – a fascinating topic in Elijah's humble opinion.

His fascinating reading was yet brutally interrupted by a deafening noise. It sounded as if the Earth itself was roaring, making the walls tremble and a couple of bibelos crash to the ground. Elijah considered his book for a moment and wondered whether the Apocalyptic racket could by any chance be an unfortunate consequence of his choice of reading.

As he saw Kol enter the living room, short of breath, rolling a large rock almost as tall as he, he dreadfully concluded that it was.

The older vampire mentally cursed every God he knew and closed his book. Chilling time was over.

He checked the unexpected companion more carefully. The rock was carved into the shape of a heart, he realized with a frown, and the inscription _"COME BACK TO ME, BABY"_ engraved in it. Elijah felt suddenly extremely tired, as if he had not slept for centuries; or maybe was it just the first symptom of a severe mental breakdown.

"It's for Jeremy?" he asked politely.

Kol beamed, obviously proud, "Yes! It's a love rock! I've had it prepared for weeks!"

Elijah's fake smiled widened – God, he needed to sleep, _now_, "And he's going to put it in his bed to snuggle against it at night?"

Kol sniffled, "It's a metaphor to show him how solid my love for him is," he explained, offended.

Elijah bit his lip, he did not know whether to laugh or cry – or maybe both. However, he opted for a more diplomatic approach, "I see."

As he made his way to the cabinet to refill his glass with much needed whiskey, the front door loudly clicked.

"I'm home!" said Rebekah's cheerful voice.

When she entered the living room and took notice of the bizarre thing in Kol's hands, her cheerfulness turned into sheer perplexity.

"What is that?" she asked with disgust.

Kol scoffed at her, "It's for Jeremy."

She raised an eyebrow, "And you've decided to get him a massive stone because...?"

"It's not a stone!" Kol snapped back.

"Then what is it?"

"It's my new gift for him!" he pointed out the inscription, "A love rock to express the solidity of my affection! It's a metaphor if you like!"

Rebekah remained mute for a while. She looked completely stunned.

"Kol," she began slowly, "what kind of drugs do you take? Because I'm interested."

Kol opened his mouth, clearly outraged. Elijah elegantly gulped his third whiskey.

"You really have no sense of artistic fashion!" Kol accused her.

"Artistic? You think that offering a giant epitaph to a a terrified boy is _artistic_? Kol, I know human psychology is not your forte, but there's a minimum!"

"He's not terrified! He's reluctant!"

"Yeah and that's almost as clever as that time you left a bleeding heart on his doorstep!" she replied, crossing her arms.

"It was a _metaphor!_" he justified himself.

Rebekah snorted, "And what is the next _metaphor_ you gonna use? Uh? Are you gonna put a stake through your heart to simulate your heartbreak? Or through his?" she mocked him.

Elijah gulped his fifth whiskey.

"Jeremy is an artist, I must come out with something that will reach him!"

"Jeremy likes to draw! He's not Cave Man! This is not artistic, this is pure prehistoric shit!"

Kol's face was so red, it looked ready to burst. Elijah decided to leave the room, with as much dignity as his current alcohol induced state allowed him.

"Seriously Kol?!" Rebekah continued, "You had billions of options and yet you've decided to go with a piece of heart-shaped mountain? Couldn't you just sing him a song?"

Kol vehemently shook his head, "It's not original!"

Rebekah sighed.

"Besides," he continued, "I've already tried that. It didn't work."

"How so?"

"He threw a vervain grenade to my face to shut me up..."

"Oh..." she sat on the sofa, he mimicked her, still holding his precious love rock with one hand. After a moment of silence, Rebekah spoke again, "How do you want it to fit in his room? Jeremy will never be able to carry that by himself and you haven't been invited in..."

Kol pouted and shrugged. They remained silent for a while. The front door clicked and Niklaus entered the room. When he saw the rock, his eyes widened as saucers. He opened his mouth.

"Don't!" Kol and Rebekah said at the same time before he could utter a single sound.

He looked them up, blinked a few times then turned around to exit the room in silence. Kol checked his watch.

"It's showtime!" he announced, rubbing his hands together, "Wish me luck!"

She watched him take his leave, rolling his massive stone in front of him.

A few hours later, Elijah met his brother in front of the Mystic Falls Hospital building. The youngest Mikaelson male looked utterly dejected. His thirty seven attempt at winning the Gilbert boy back had miserably failed. Apparently, Kol had left the heavy rock against the boy's door frame so that he could notice it first. Unfortunately, when the boy tried to push the huge intruder aside to open his door, he disturbed the rock's balance and it heavily fell over him. Of course, Kol had rushed to save his beloved but the deed was already done and the human laid helplessly beneath the inscription "COME BACK TO ME, BABY."

"How is he?" Elijah genuinely inquired.

Kol sadly shrugged, "In pieces..."

"Is it that bad?"

"His arms are broken, his feet are broken, his legs are broken, his nose is broken... According to Dr Fell, it'd be more efficient to give physical therapy to the plaster..."

Elijah bit his lip. Rebekah's car door slammed.

"I told you it was a bad idea!" she admonished him.

Elijah gave her a pointed look. Kol shrugged again. Rebekah sighed but sat on the stairs next to her brother and patted his shoulder, "It's gonna be alright."

"He'll never want to talk to me again! He thinks I tried to murder him..."

"Told you it looked like an epitaph..."

Kol shot her an ugly glare, "You're not helping, Bekah!"

"Sorry... Look, things will get better. Look at me and Matt! He hated me when I provoked Elena's death."

He sniffled, "And it's still the case..."

She pouted, "Well, yes!"

"So why did you say that?!"

She shrugged, "I don't know... That made me feel oddly philosophical."

He glared at her. Elijah patted his brother's shoulder and stood up to get them coffees.

"About that song," Rebekah began after a while.

"Yeah?"

"Which one did you choose?"

"_If I was your vampire."_

"Oh."

* * *

**I hope you liked it! I know it's insane! I'm sorry for the Keremy stuff, but I consider Jeremy to belong with Kol, no matter what! **


	3. Family Bonding Time

**Hello! Just a quick idea I had in mind! Hope you'll like it!**

* * *

Bonding family time, by Kol Mikaelson

There were days Elijah hated his life. Today was a nice example. As Klaus had disappeared somewhere unknown to put into practice his idea number 652 to seduce Miss Forbes, the oldest Mikaelson proposed a bonding family day to his two remaining siblings.

In all actually he had thought of visiting a museum, sharing a lunch in a fancy restaurant or even playing Poker.

Unfortunately he ought to have kept in mind how different his inclinations from his sibling's were. For they naturally chose to go shopping.

Exactly – that was the problem when you proposed a bonding family day to a teenage bimbo and a narcissist queer.

They dragged their poor elegant, sophisticated brother to the biggest Mall of Virginia - a place packed with loud squeaky teenagers enjoying greasy chemical 'meals', over-affectionate couples, distasteful music, and turbulent children. A piece of Paradise.

And Elijah was having a terrible day. He felt extremely out of place - which was probably the thought of every single person who happened to pass by him.

He waited for a full four hours until he saw two busy vampires emerge from one of the shops. They were both carrying unfathomable amounts of bags.

"I think we're ready to go!" Rebekah announced cheerfully.

"Finally..." Elijah growled.

"Oh come on Elijah! It wasn't so bad! We found a lot of interesting stuff!" Kol said.

"Yes and we even _paid_ for them! We didn't use compulsion and Kol didn't eat anybody!"

"Yes, I was good!" Kol beamed.

"See?!"

Elijah inwardly sighed. It was fortunate enough he did not have a mess to clean in the aftermath, "I'm impressed!"

"Family bonding time! We decided to follow our big brother's advice!"

The oldest cocked an eyebrow. That certainly seemed suspicious, "What's the catch?"

"There is no catch!" Kol replied sweetly.

Elijah eyed him carefully, he knew better than to trust his most mischievous brother blindly. Yet, as he did not seem to find anything, he followed the two other vampires already bouncing towards the elevators to go back to the parking lot – and leave this Hell!

Rebekah pressed the button and all entered the elevator on their right. The doors closed. They waited as they began their ascension to the parking level. For a surprisingly long amount of time.

"Shouldn't we be there already?" Rebekah asked after a while.

Both brothers shrugged.

"It has stopped, I assume," Elijah noted carefully.

"Oh great! We had to get into the elevator that broke down!" she whined.

Kol jumped and startled his two siblings, "We're too heavy! We must get rid of the excess of items!"

He forced open the doors, hysterically. Rebekah squeaked as he grabbed her bags and threw them out of the elevator. They landed on the floor, spilling the expensive clothes they contained.

"Hey!" she complained, "get rid of yours! I'm not the one who spent five hundred bucks for moisturizers and body lotions!"

Elijah refrained an ungraceful need to yawn. Kol ignored Rebekah and stood expectantly, waiting for the machine to acknowledge their new position and work accordingly.

Nothing happened.

After a dozen of seconds, Elijah's brain kicked in and he frowned. Apparently, Rebekah had gotten her neurones back in movement too for she spoke his mind, "Why are we still at the lobby? It's not moving at all!"

"It's broken," Kol stated, "Stupid human machines!"

Rebekah mumbled something about taking the stairs which did not require any technical tinkering. Her comment made two and two connect in Elijah's mind.

He sighed and closed his eyes when he realized the obvious, "Kol, have you by any chance pushed the button?"

"No!" Kol replied as if Elijah were an imbecile for asking such a silly question. Only then did he realize his mistake when he caught Rebekah's disbelieving glare, "No..." he repeated apologetically.

She rolled her eyes, Elijah bit his bottom lip, Kol shrugged.

The three siblings remained uncomfortably silent for a short while.

"Kol," Rebekah broke the heavy silence, "can I get my bags back, please?"

Her brother gulped, "Sure," he said as he retrieved the scattered bags and roughly put the clothes – previously neatly folded – back in.

Outside the elevator, people were eying them suspiciously. Elijah sighed again. Kol was making fools of themselves.

"Shall we go?" he tried when Rebekah had gotten her purchases back at one hand and slapped Kol with the other.

They nodded. Elijah pushed the button, the doors closed.

"And they all work the same?" Kol inquired slowly.

"Most of them do..." Elijah replied in a tired voice.

Kol stared at the machine thoughtfully and nodded, "Oh! I'll know it now."

Rebekah and Elijah shared a sigh.


End file.
